august 11-17 entries
autumn came early so go anywhere but home
sunday august 11 2024
I knew I would miss it, even though I missed home. I knew I would find peace walking back to the hostel without a map or a plan, and I would find myself somewhere I hadn’t planned. in the rain in italy, in a tiny laundromat trying to communicate with an old french woman and figure out how to wash my clothes which turned out blue. walking to the metro with freshly rolled cigarettes and my canadian hostel mate who insisted on taking me to a nice dinner on my birthday. the last walk along the seine when everything was blue. I do miss it, every step I took alone, every piece of history I stared at. I even miss the hope I had for my return. what my life would be after seeing these things and thinking the things they inspired. I don’t wish I was that girl again, I just mourn her discoveries.
monday august 12
young people should be anywhere but home, I heard someone say once. there’s more opportunity interacting with the unknown because it COULD be known. staying home, the odds of something totally unexpected coming in to change the course of my life isn’t as great. I sometimes forget how much I love reading, writing, eating (things I could easily do in the comfort of my own home) in a public place. I’m currently at a 24 hour coffee shop; I rediscovered it last week when I caffeine overdosed on two oat caps. I thought, wouldn’t it be cool to just come here to write if I couldn’t sleep? wouldn’t it be cool to take advantage of things that I could experience for the first time, new things I could grow to enjoy? I find myself thinking like this the most when I am in a situations where my hands are tied. mostly at work. I think of all the things I’d like to write about and people I could interview. I think: that isn’t so hard, I need to do that. but the moment I clock out, it’s like mr hyde takes over and I retreat to more comforting things. but if I have learned anything in my now twenty five years, is that in exploring things that make me uncomfortable, there is learning, happiness, peace. its an exploration that finds how I could belong in the world.
tuesday august 13
wednesday august 14
I have never fainted because the shower was too hot and the enclosed space became a sauna; I enjoy when a room can do this. it’s a space where I can enjoy water falling onto my bare skin and watch as the room turns into the inside of a cloud. it’s the only time I can enjoy humidity; when my hair is soaked and it’s supposed to be. I turned the shower on today after my pilates class. my partner ordered starbucks and even though I said I didn’t want anything, he brought me a venti iced tea that would gently energize me. I barely touched the warm, steamy water and quickly realized what I needed to pair this pleasure with. the pleasure of an ice cold drink in a hot shower. phoebe bridgers sings about shower beer in one of her songs and this was the first time I had ever even heard the term. what I think makes this experience special are a few things: the temperature differences between the beverage and the falling water, the fact that the shower is not a place where you would normally drink something, and the pairing of two pleasurable things results in even more pleasure.
thursday august 15
we met at civil goat to apply for jobs together like we used to do. it smelled like pumpkin bread after a morning of giving into vince guaraldi and michael jackson. the air conditioner slowly went from agreeable to cold and it didn’t make me upset that my fingers were turning purple, it just made me wish I had a sweater like the girl next to us did; with her blue birkenstocks. as if autumn was truly here, and the people outside just weren’t dressed for it.
friday august 16
bought a dress. I’m sure you’ll being seeing it. I saw myself running and dancing in a field of flowers, wearing tights with it, doc martins and the mary janes I bought in paris for my birthday a year ago. I saw myself dancing in it next weekend, wearing it to civil goat and people marveling at that well-dressed young lady.
saturday august 17
it’s as if fall came early. i’m running to the store unsure if i’ll make it, trying to stay home and you telling me to stay home because even though i’m wincing in pain and taking two pills at a time, I don’t know my limits. because if I didn’t know you, didn’t love you, you would never know that there is more than just a blood bath going on inside me. you have to tell me to stay home because I don’t know how to advocate for myself, put myself first. and maybe it’s the same reason that I said sorry to the man the other day and asked him to move his bag so I could sit. and she said out loud, no, don’t say sorry! and I shouldn’t apologize, you’re right. for thinking about what I need, and thinking about the way I take space. it may not please you, it may upset you or change the plan, but please, look at me, I am in pain. and every time that I am, I’m allowed to be without apologizing.
until next sunday,
nicco